Wow I just realized that I haven't posted in this thing for a very long time. Somethings have happened lately and I think that in order for me to really start processing them that I need to write about them. First off I saw my dad yesterday for the first time in at least 2 years if not longer. I saw him when I went with my mom to court for the child support hearing. He looks so different and is a totally different person then what I remember. First off he has had 2 strokes and is not doing well health wise. The doctors are not sure if his brain is dying, they found that he has 2 pinched nerves, and they also think that he may have MS. He can not work, can not drive, and has a hard time remembering what he is doing. It was so hard to see him like that, and realize that he got a lot older since the last time I saw him. Now I guess they are trying to figure out how to get the surgeries for the nerves done and then they are going to go from there. I am going to spend some time with him in the next few weeks, and try to mend our relationship from my end. I need to forgive him and let him know how I feel. It is sad that it has taken me this long to do this. I realize now that I don't have time to put it off any longer.

I am also scared by what the doctors may find out and that he may have MS. That would mean that I may one day develop it, or if I didn't that I may pass it on to my children if I had it. My mom is going to ask our doctor how they test for this, and I guess we are going to go from there. I realize that he may not even have it, but if he did I think that the fact I may have it would make me not want to have children because I would not want to pass it on them. I shouldn't get ahead of myself with this though before we find out if he even has MS. I am not going to worry about this until we get to that point.

I know that this whole thing with my dad is going to make it things weird with my mom. The whole subject of my dad has been hard to talk about already as it is. I am afraid that she is going to feel hurt that I am going to spend time with him and that I my forgiving him will make her feel like I am dismissing everything that has happened. I know that he was a crappy parent the last few years, but that doesn't mean that we can not have some sort of relationship. I need some sort of closure for my sake more than anyone else's and they both need to understand this. I dunno what else to type at this point, my head is just swimming with all of this. I think I'll just leave it at this for now.

Well today I am now officially 23, and I must admit that it really is no different from 22. Although I figure this is normal, and that I will not feel any different until I am probably 30. It has been rainy all day, with kinda stinks since that does not leave a lot to do. Also today I got a phone call from Gannon saying that I have been accepted into their medical technology program, and that they will be sending me a packet of materials in about a week. I am excited about this and at the same time I am also not sure about it. I figure that I will still look for jobs in the meantime, and that if something good comes along that I will try for it and see what happens. Well I guess that's about all I feel like writing now, so I'll leave it at that. Peace out.

I was listening to this song last night and as I listened to it, I realized that this is what I have been doing these last few months. Somewhere along the way, I stopped turning to God with my problems and have not been letting go of the things that I need to. This is something that I need to do and I feel that once I admit it, it will make it slightly easier to deal with. Although I will admit that letting go is not going to come easily or quickly.

I Can Trust You by Rebecca St. James

Yes, I know that You have paved a path for me
Yes, I know that You see what I do and don't need
But when it comes to the deepest things
I have a hard time relinquishing control
Letting go

God, it hurts to give You what I must lay down
But when I let go, freedom's found
God, it hurts to give You what I've held so dear
Because of Your love it's clear
I can trust You with this
I can trust You with me
I can trust You

Lord, I know that You are worthy of my trust
For You have shown me time and time again
You're faithful and yet
I'm so scared of letting go of this
Afraid of what You might do with it
How could I forget who You are like this

God, it hurts to give You what I must lay down
But when I let go, freedom's found
God, it hurts to give You what I've held so dear
Because of Your love it's clear
I can trust You with this
I can trust You with me
I can trust You

Me forsaking
Heart is breaking
I let go of what I've held so tight
Freedom's mine now
For the taking
I move in faith, not by sight
Let Your will be done

God, it hurts to give You what I must lay down
But when I let go, freedom's found
God, it hurts to give You what I've held so dear
Because of Your love it's clear
I can trust You with this
I can trust You with me
I can trust You

Well I thought that it was time I updated since it has been over a month since I last updated. I think this is a good reason to. lol I am so glad that they finished of the Senators and are going on to the next round. HAHA is all I have to say to those people at OLN, ESPN, and all the nay-sayers that thought they couldn't do it. Pommer is awesome and so is my Monkey-man. :) In other news, my Indians are in bad slump that they need to get out of quick. They are in dire need of good pitching and fast. :( I hope they get their acts together soon, or things may get as bad as the situation the Seawolves are in.

Unrelated news...I will be 23 in a few days, two days actually. I still wonder where the time goes. It seems like just yesterday I was turning 22 and looking forward to my last semester of school. Now I am looking toward going back to school for a few more years and am going to be a another year older. I wonder when the knowledge part is supposed to kick in, and when I will be able to say that I know a lot more now than when I was younger. And when does one start learning from their mistakes and figure out how to not repeat the past ones they have made?

Instructions: Go to your music player of choice and put it on shuffle. Say the following questions aloud, and press play. Use the song title as the answer to the question. NO CHEATING. Pass this on to a few friends and be sure to send it back to the one who sent it to you too.

Note: This is surprisingly fun to do. Try it.

1. How does the world see you?
"I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For" by U2 (I am searching for several things that's for sure esp. in the last few months.)

2. How do you see the world?
"How We Do" by The Game feat. 50 Cent (Good Heart in my chest. lol)

3. Will I have a Happy Life?
"Wires" by Athlete (not sure about this one but I think I'll be ok)

4. What do strangers really think of me?
"All the Rage" by Funeral For a Friend (hmmm "I'm sick and I'm tired of always being the good guy"...that is sorta true but I dunno)

5. What do my friends really think of me?
"Bad Day" by Daniel Powter (not sure how this fits)

6. What do I really think of my friends?
"Mysterious Ways" by U2 (this song works well I think in its own way)

7. Do people secretly lust after me?
"Stars and Boulevards" by Augustana (this makes no sense can anyone help with this one?)

8. How can I make myself happy?
"Love Song" by 311 (not even going to try with this one)

9. What should I do with my life?
"In Da Club" by Assassin (so I should party my life away?)

10. What is some good advice for me?
"How Many Times" by Zack Hexum (I should look for my true love and that I will find them eventually)

11. How will I be remembered?
"The Best of Me" by The Starting Line

12. What is my signature dancing song?
"Me Plus One" by Annie

13. What is my current theme song?
"Such Great Heights" by The Postal Service (I love this song!)

14. What does everyone think my current theme song is?
"Hemorrhage (In My Hands)" by Fuel (LOL What an interesting choice.)

15. What song will play at my funeral?
"Tear You Apart" by She Wants Revenge (that's really creepy)

16. What type of men / women do you like?
"It's My Life" by Bon Jovi (I used to have a huge crush on Jon Bon Jovi when I was little so this seems fitting. lol)

17. What type of men / women like you?
"Okay I Believe You, but My Tommy Gun Don't" by Brand New

18. What is my day going to be like?
"Save the Day" by Train

19. What is my year going to be like?
"Never Saw Blue" by Hayley Westenra

20. What is my life going to be like?
"Rock & Roll Queen" by The Subways

That was more fun then I thought it would be. lol The things you can learn from the songs on your computer. Thanks for stealing that from Denise Megan, it was "tones" of fun. lol

Well I am going to be getting in contact with this lady at Gannon to see about going back to school as an undergrad again and then going from there. I am not sure how this is all going to work out, but if it is meant to happen I know it will. I have been stressing about this a lot because I really do not know how this is going to work out due to the time that I am doing all of this. I have such a bad habit of worrying and I have never been able to rid myself of it no matter how hard I have tried.

On a side note, I had an awesome weekend in Erie. It was nice to be around people my own age and actually acting my age. lol I tend to act like an old woman and like a hermit a lot of the time now that I do not see very many people. I loved being around a whole bunch of people and now that I am home, I feel kinda lonely since I am pretty much by myself here with my mom working pretty much all day and not getting home until 11. Thank God I do not have that much longer to wait to be able to take my license test and hopefully will have my license sometime after April 29th. This last month or so is going to last forever. That Madonna song is true: Time does go by slowly for those who wait. This weekend also was the end of Otters hockey for the season. It was sad and exciting to see them playing hard and fighting, but I really wonder who is going to be back for next season. Best of luck to all of them. Well I think I am going to go and finish watching the Golden Girls and then go to bed. Peace out.

So I've been looking into the pharmacy thing and I am looking at one more year of undergrad and at least three years in actual pharmacy school. I am not sure that I am willing to commit to this, but most of this is because I am afraid of how much school will cost and how I am going to pay for both school and myself in general. I also have been looking into several schools that have laboratory programs that help you become a technician and also give you experience. This sounds like something that I would really like to pursue more than the pharmacy thing as I really want to work in a lab. I can not believe that I had not thought of this before. Sometimes I feel like I do not know how to think as I did not even think of this until until I started looking at pharmacy schools. So I guess now I am going to wait to get some more information and go from there.

On a side note I think I am going to Erie this weekend for a few days. Jill suggested that I come over for St. Patty's Day and I think it would be fun to hang out with some people that I don't get to see a lot. Plus I would get to go back to some of my old "stomping grounds" that I haven't been to in a long time. lol I also am the proud owner of a Chris Campoli Rookie Autograph card. lol I think I have officially lost any marbles I had left since I can not believe what I paid for the thing. I sometimes wonder why I love that kid so much because I always seem to be irrational in my actions when Campy is involved. lol Oh well I dunno I guess I'll never really know the whole answer to that one. Well I think I am going to end this entry on that note. Peace out.

So lately I have been pondering what to do with my life since I have graduated and do not really have a lot that I can do with my degree as it is. The last few months I have been thinking of going back to school to be a Pharmacist. This week I am going to find out all of the things I should do and need to do to make this happen. I am also going to keep looking for jobs, but this is what I really want to do if I can't work in a lab. Also there is still a way that I can combine the two in the future, so that would be cool too.

I got to spend part of this weekend in Erie and got to see some of my friends that I haven't seen in awhile and also got to watch an Otters game, which was awesome because they actually won. Plus I got to watch Chad Loikets beat some kid up. lol Go Cha-Cha :) I realized when I was over there that I really miss Erie, and that it really feels more like my home than my actual home does. Plus it is nice that I know people there and know my way around pretty good. But I also do not want to go back to Erie for the wrong reasons, so I need to really think about what is really best for me. Well I think I am going to end this on that note. Peace out.

Well it is nice to be back to functioning again after a day or so being spent on the couch too sick to move. I don't understand why I got sick but oh well I feel like I am back to being me now at least. It figures that I missed most of the NHL trades yesterday and had to read about them this afternoon. I can not freaking believe that the Isles traded away 4 veteran players for 2 young guys and some draft picks. I hope that they are still able to keep pursuing the playoffs. I guess the good news is that I do not have to look at Sopel anymore. lol I also saw that Tim is back playing for the Sabres! Yes it is "Timmy Time" now. lol

We finally have digital phone!!! Yay! Nice to know that I can call anyone I want and not have to pay a ton for it. Now if I could only find some people that I could call in Canada to see how well it works. lol I don't feel like there is much to talk about since I pretty much slept for the last day and a half. Hope that you start to get better Megan. Peace out.

There is nothing like watching season exhibition baseball games to get excited about spring arriving soon as well as the coming of the regular baseball season. It has been a long time since I have seen the Indians play and man have I missed it. Grady had an awesome game and I think that he is going to have another great season and will continue to build on what he accomplished last season. It was weird to watch the game because there were a lot of guys playing from their minor league teams and this was the first time I had seen some of them play in an Indians uniform. I was a little disappointed that Travis didn't play today but oh well, there will be plenty of time to watch him once the regular season starts. Even though they lost the game to the Mets, it was awesome to see some old Erie Seawolves playing for the Mets. Andy and Juan did great today and I wish them the best of luck and hope that both of them will continue their growth as players. I was impressed that Juan even managed to get to first base in time to be safe, since it always seemed like he was always just a few seconds late getting there in Erie. lol It's nice to that Andy is still as sharp at ss as he was in Erie and is only getting better and better with the playing time he is getting. I think that I need to figure out how to make icons so that I can make one for Travis and Grady. lol I think on that note I am going to sign off. Peace out.